How the Content Crunch Stole Christmas

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Every B2B marketer liked content a lot…

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But Schminch, who couldn’t keep up with the daily content crunch, did NOT.

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Poor Schminch HATED content, no matter the season. Now, please don’t ask why. He doesn’t have time to explain the reason.* *But we do…

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It could be that he wasn’t tracking his ROI just right.

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It could be that his deadlines were coming on too tight.

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But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his content experience wasn’t optimized at all.

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Whatever the reason, his deadlines or his ROI, He sat there at his desk, with a serious urge to cry.

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Staring at his blinking cursor, with a sour, Schminchy frown, At the word count on Google Docs — 300 words down.

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For he knew every marketer who wasn’t stretched too thin Had a way to surefire way of making their content win.

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“I need to GSD!” he snarled with a sneer. “Tomorrow’s the deadline! It’s practically here!”

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Then he growled, with his sweaty palms nervously drumming, “I MUST find some way to stop this deadline from coming!”

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For tomorrow, he knew, the other content convoys Would distribute their content with sophistication and poise...

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And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

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That's one thing he couldn’t cut through! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

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And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all! Every B2B marketer, the tall and the small, Would look at their metrics with joyous hearts a-ringing. They’d measure their content. And they’d start singing: “Content is King! Content is King! Content is KING! KING! KING! KING!”

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And the more that Schminch thought about content being king, The more that Schminch thought, "I don’t get this whole thing! Why, I’ve written at least 3,000 pieces of content now! I MUST stop this deadline from coming! But HOW?"

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Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

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"I know just what to do!" Schminch laughed in success. And he quickly hit “Save” and logged into his CMS. And he chuckled, and clucked, "I know just what they’ll click! With more CTAs, my audience is sure to stick!"

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"All I need is a developer..." So, Schminch looked around. But, since devs are busy, there were none to be found.

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Did that stop old Schminch? No! Schminch simply said, "If I can't find a dev, I'll make my own CTAs, instead!"

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So he opened up Google. Then he typed in, “Click Here”. And he saved all the images that resulted with cheer. THEN he pasted them all in his blog CMS And hyperlinked a few landing pages And laughed at his success.

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Then Schminch hit “Publish”, and with a smirk on his face, He sent an email blast to his entire database.

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At first, all was quiet. Schminch growled with hate. He could tell right away from his low click-through rate That his audience was probably not going to take the bait.

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“That was step number one,” old Schminchy hissed As he hastily clicked away, mouse clenched in his fist.

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He scrolled through his resource center, where his content sat, unused. “Quantity can’t be the problem,” Schminch thought, confused. He reviewed his editorial calendar for a moment or two. “I publish every weekday, and on Saturday, too!”

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He clicked through his old content (all the way to page eight), Noticing with displeasure that it was piling up by date... Blog posts! And infographics! Whitepapers! Podcasts! SlideShare presentations! And webinar broadcasts!

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All seemed to be lost. So Schminch, in dismay, Accepted his defeat and decided to call it a day. He slunk back to his inbox and checked it once more. But, upon seeing nothing, he headed for the door.

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Schminch put on his coat and gathered his things When, all of a sudden, he heard a double set of ping's!

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He reopened his inbox and saw messages anew From Marketing Mary-Lou, who hadn’t sent one email, but two. Schminch was surprised, but realized rather fast That these messages were in response to his last email blast.

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He stared at the first email, in which Mary-Lou said, “Mr. Schminch, why… Why are you sending me this content? WHY?”

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Schminch gave a yawn, that turned into a sigh, And moved on to her next email, which read, “Let me clarify…”

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“Mr. Schminch, please accept this unwarranted advice, But I couldn’t open your email on my mobile device. And when I read it at last on my desktop’s large screen, I clicked through to your resource center – oh boy, what a scene!”

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“I went to your resources, hoping to find a solution. But instead, all I found was content marketing destitution! You have lots of great content, but it’s piling up by date. That’s no way to organize content that’s great!”

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“Your CTAs are untargeted, irrelevant and excessive (I mean, you shouldn’t be surprised that I’m getting a bit aggressive.) I clicked on one button through to a landing page, But removing me from your resources caused me to disengage. I wasn’t compelled to read any more of your content, And that, Mr. Schminch, is what caused me to vent.”

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"Imagine drinking a piña colada on a wet basement floor. It's a great piña colada, but I doubt you'd stick around for more..."

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"Now, imagine the same piña colada, but you're drinking it on a beach! Relaxing in the sun — I'm sure that for another, you'd reach!"

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“On its own, Mr. Schminch, your content is great! But it’s living in an experience that I can’t help but hate.”

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Schminch, with his Schminch-fingers ice-cold on his mouse Sat puzzling and puzzling: “My content needs a... house?”

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“But I’ve written thousands of blog posts that have garnered some traction! Why, this very night I’ve implemented eighteen new calls-to-action!”

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“I’ve kept up with the content crunch for months, you see — Creating, distributing, measuring… what else could there be?!”

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And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then Schminch thought of something he hadn’t before...

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“Maybe content,” he thought, “on its own, is a bore. Maybe content... perhaps... needs a little bit more…”

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And what happened then? Well, in the content marketing biz they say, That Schminch’s content performance 10Xed that day!

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The minute his deadline didn’t feel quite so tight, He optimized his content experience through the bright morning light.

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He added a menu, a search bar, and relevant overlay CTAs, And vowed to implement responsive design for the rest of his days.

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He realized that experiences were the key to great content marketing. And he, HE HIMSELF, Schminch pronounced: “Content is King.”

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Give your content the gift of Uberflip. Request a demo today! Request a Demo

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