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How to Party With Clients…and Keep Your Job Seal the deal while three sheets to the wind Brought to you by
Introduction Three martini lunches are a thing of the past. To seal the deal nowadays, you need to wine, dine and dazzle the clients in a whole new way (with a whole new set of substances) Clients want to bond with you over beer, toast success with bubbly and just get f*cking pissed whenever This guide will give you everything you need to know for sealing the deal with your client while partying your ass off
HOW TO Drink Like A Pro Think you already drink like a pro? Think again. Nailing a beer pong cup means nothing in the business world Employees whose blood alcohol level is higher than 1.008% have a better chance at a raise than sober suckers From a survey of 100 random office workers, 71% of employed professionals attribute landing a deal while heavily under influence of alcohol 81% of business meetings now involve booze. Your liver must be a MACHINE 64% of CEOs drink top-shelf scotch 11% of CEOs change their drink according to season 88% of CEOs avoid beer unless at a corporate BBQ or sports event 27% of Forbes Richest people agree martinis are making a comeback. Very dirty and stirred. DRINK LIKE A BOSS
Business Dinner Etiquette 101 Business dinners are a test of character. 80% of communication is expressed by body language, so sit pretty Napkins go on your lap. You’re a boss, not a savage 58% of top-level execs guess which fork is the salad fork. 17% are successful Texting at the table is a no-no. If you need text your DTF hook-up, do it under the table Phone Use at the Table Flagrantly text and make calls Surreptitiously text from their lap Excuse themselves and text from the bathroom Are able to completely switch off
Owning Your Corporate Event From Dusk Till Dawn Never be the first to arrive. Early birds are not party legends Prepare a signature phrase you will repeat throughout the night. Instead of “nice to meet you,” wow your clients and co-workers with a greeting like “time to get TURNT!” Don’t ever let the party end before 5AM. Strippers on speed dial is an excellent after-party suggestion 42% of execs prefer an 8-ball of coke 18% suggest E is the key to keeping the party going 26% believe weed will cure any hangover if smoked the night before 14% swear by an energy drink and double vodka to keep the energy flowing BEST CHEMICALS TO KEEP THE NIGHT GOING
Blackouts and Bullshitting According to survey findings: 22% of junior employees report getting raises from heavily inebriated CEO 46% of all employees use black mail to get what they want from a client who’s shared personal information after 3+ drinks 9% of managers sign over the lease to their car and/or house after 4+ hours of drinking Top Tips The elusive blackout zone is where you are most successful at bullshitting clients and coercing CEOs Pepper conversations with jargon - KPIs, ROIs, SMART goals, BJs - to give the illusion of intelligence Photographic evidence of the night’s events ensures longevity and success in any industry
Summary Forget the weights; train your liver instead Dotted lines should be signed after you’ve found the bottom of a bottle (or two) Pot: making strangers clients and clients friends since 1619 Cheers.