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CRISIS MANAGEMENT

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Brought to you by CRISIS MANAGEMENT How to cover up after you’ve gone balls out


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Introduction As Warren Buffett proclaimed: “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.” In order to prevent the bad from getting worse, you need a foolproof plan to mitigate the disaster, cover up the destruction and, above all, deny the entire thing when human resources comes calling


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Avoiding A Destruction Of Property Charge 28% of vandalism charges can be reduced to a misdemeanor, provided you hire a lawyer who has represented at least one former child actor If the destruction of property is accidental you are not guilty of a crime Three foolproof “Not Guilty” excuses to ensure you cannot be charged for your actions, which could include but is not limited to, busting a window, tagging a building (or person), and trashing a hotel room: “I slipped on a used condom” “I was sleepwalking at the time” “It was my evil twin that I haven’t met yet”


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When Sexting Goes Awry At least 1/3 of the US population aged 18 or higher is involved in some form of nude sexting WHERE DO SEXTS GO? Share 17% Lie About Sharing 83% Of those that admit to sharing, 55% share them with one or more person. In other words, if you’re sending your junk, lots of people are seeing it. Top Tips Know your angles – avoid showcasing visible tattoos, hideous scarring, identifiable freckles or your company logo in the background Less is more. (No one needs to see your O-face) Filters are your friend – Dick pics look bigger in sepia tone


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So You’ve Killed An Animal With Your Company Car… Estimated number of animals killed daily in the United States: 1 million Odds of killing something when driving: 1 in 23 Odds of killing something when you’re late and desperate to get somewhere: 1 in 2 Odds of being able to “repurpose” your road kill: 1 in 9 Ignore it and keep driving Hide it in a ditch and keep driving Problem solved! Determining your Post-Accident POA Is the animal you hit bigger than a bread box? No Yes


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Dealing with HR Top Tips Do not be yourself. Always lie. Deny any and all office hookups Uncomfortable, unwavering eye contact will get you everything There is no such thing as a “risk-free” workplace. Find the flaw and exploit it for any questionable injuries sustained “on the job” If you’re (literally) caught with your pants down, claim sexual harassment, discrimination or fake an epileptic fit


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Summary Remember the three golden rules and no crisis will ever ruin your rep: Live like a boy scout. Always be prepared. Hide any and all evidence. Deny, deny, deny… and then blame someone else.


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You’re Welcome.


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